George Carlin once said that “death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.” But if spit doesn’t do the trick, swallowing small amounts of food over time surely will.
Recent studies show….. well – quite a lot, much of which is pretty alarming. Luckily, if one expensively-conducted, government-granted conclusion scares you, another will come along that will:
a) disprove the first study (studies show this to be the case 99.7 percent of the time) OR
b) cause widespread panic (the phenomenon of chaos, not the musical band).
As a public service, I have compiled a handy-dandy guide to healthy eating, according to published studies:
1. Eat sweet potatoes, but not in pie-form, and certainly not with butter, sugar and cinnamon.
No, wait….DON’T eat sweet potatoes! A sweet potato is just a starch masquerading as a Vegetable of the Highest Order – a COLORFUL one! And if you must have one, eat it raw. Studies show that once you cook a vegetable, you completely ruin the nutritional value. You might as well eat it as pie.
2. Fruit is the healthiest food group there is – packed with nutrients.
Until you swallow it! Most fruits are converted by your body to SUGAR, and your endocrine system doesn’t know the difference between a bunch of grapes and one of those pixie sticks that is two feet long.
Unless the fruit is COLORFUL. In which case, it becomes a two-foot-pixie stick of sugar, with a few antioxidants.
3. Drink cranberry juice, and your urinary tract will thank you (if it could talk, and government studies show it normally cannot.)
Oops….studies indicate that you should stay away from cranberry juice. Because the sugars it contains (see ‘fruit’ above) can CAUSE a UTI (urinary tract infection).
4. Nuts and seeds are awesome, and not just because they are central to the “What Would Jesus Eat?” diet, and Jesus himself is awesome, but because they are full of the protein your body needs to function as a fat-burning machine!
Except that all of the good-tasting nuts are actually pretty fatty. Go figure.
5. A glass of red wine each evening keeps the doctor away.
Unless you’re an alcoholic like myself. In which case, the doctor won’t need to visit because the coroner will already be there.
6. Eating meat – especially the red kind (color is not a benefit here) – is terrible for your health. You should consume ONLY the things that your meat would have eaten (also known as the Paleo Diet) had it not been savagely killed to satisfy your gluttony. You know, root vegetables and such. Sweet potatoes.
Scratch that. Eat ONLY meat, like our caveman ancestors…and ONLY the way they ate it – cooked over an open, stucco fire pit from Home Depot, with a side of something they might have purchased at Whole Foods.
(And did the Paleos eat Quizno’s, or use a Fry-Daddy?) I think NOT. Keep it strictly hunter-gatherer, peeps. Which brings me to (queue scary music….)
7. The malevolent CARBOHYDRATE, which virtually all studies agree is the most evil form a calorie can channel. So forget spaghetti, a member of the most malicious menu malady a meal can muster.
Rice, potatoes, pasta - all in cahoots to hijack your metabolism and take the slow ride to an early grave. Don’t even think about that tortellini! It’s a cheese-filled pocket of death!
And, I’m sorry….. there are no studies to refute this, unless you consider those who suggest (queue the scary music again….) MODERATION. Moderation – with starchy deliciousness. Hurmph. (Studies clearly show that people with addictive personalities are less likely to practice moderation.)
8. Salad is the anti-carb – so very good for you! The more colorful and expensive the lettuce, the better.
Unless you like it with flavor. Take, for instance, blue cheese dressing. You could, instead of eating it on salad, just get a super-large syringe (I like my blue cheese chunky-style) and inject it directly in your arteries to get just the same benefits as digesting it. Luckily, many creamy salad dressings contain dairy, and studies show that….
9. Dairy prevents belly fat.
No, wait – it causes belly fat. I’m not sure which (I’m pretty sure I’ve read studies that purport both)
10. If you have blood-sugar issues, diet sodas are much better to drink than regular sodas.
Although, in test groups, diet sodas had the same effect on teeth as meth. Yes, you can get “meth mouth,” courtesy of carbonated beverages! Diet sodas also contain a chemical that basically turns to formaldehyde in your body, a chemical used in the embalming process.
The. Embalming. Process.
11. Ahhh, caffeine. – studies show that the beloved purveyor of eternal life and heart health, and seemingly-harmless-delivery system for a mood-altering…STIMULANT DRUG! Hello?
So, so many studies on caffeine. The common drug is the darling of federally-funded scientific research. Pages and pages, and reverse-studies and warnings and….I need another cup of coffee to even THINK about it.
12. All hail the ancient Mayans, who are famous for appreciating the health benefits of chocolate! (and human sacrifice, but hey…they brought us chocolate!) Chocolate, as a modern food, is actually a contributor to obesity…
UNLESS, it is transformed into DARK chocolate, which many studies show not only is excellent for your body, but practically gives the same cardiac benefits of having the heart of a 21-year-old triathlon-participating vegetarian transplanted into your tired, old, flabby flesh.
But wait, chocolate contains caffeine, which studies show…Is really good for you!
A mind-altering, stimulant drug….you shameless junkie!
So, in conclusion….I think George Carlin was pretty astute in his observation.
Eat and let eat, I like to say.
Walk and let walk. And study and let study, if you must.
I also like to say, “Pass the blue cheese dressing.” And be quick about it…I’m swallowing small amounts of saliva, as we speak.